When Emma started Kindergarten I was so excited for her. She was eager to learn and ready to go. She was so grown up and independent at 5. She was confident and outspoken. She still is really. I never worried for one second how she would handle school. I never worried if she would be able to find her classroom on her own or eat her lunch on her own. I never worried that she wouldn't be able to undo her belt by herself. She loved to write, color, and couldn't wait to read. School just suited her. School has proven to always be easy for her.
Jax on the other hand..... He is the complete opposite. He has no interest in learning unless it's about stars, planets, weather or Japan. I'm not entirely sure the boy knows his alphabet and I can barely get him to write his name. I know he probably does know those things but he's too hardheaded to show me. He still pretends he can't put on pants by himself! I worry he won't be able to open things at lunch and is so stubborn he won't ask for help. I worry that his temper will get him in trouble. I worry that he will be the class clown. I worry that he won't be able to undo his belt and he'll pee in his pants. Heck, I worry he'll get so distracted and forget to ask to go pee if he needs too. I worry that school will be hard for him or that he will struggle.
Is he really ready for this? Am I ready for this? Maybe he should stay home one more year? Maybe I've babied him way too much? Maybe he just pretends to not be able to do stuff because he knows I'll do it? Maybe I'm just not ready for him to grow up.
You see he is my sweet surprise. He is the boy that God knew I needed before I knew I needed him. He was my wonderful distraction in some of my darkest days. Being pregnant with and having Jax just over a month after losing Maddie in many ways kept me from completely losing my sh*t in those first couple of months. I know logically that makes no sense because of the postpartum roller coaster having a child usually is but somehow he kept me grounded, motivated and focused. So maybe I'm not ready for him to be independent? Maybe I need him more than he knows. Maybe that's why this first, first day of school is really hard on this momma.
Tomorrow, on his first, first day we will both grow up and let go just a tiny bit. There is also a strong possibility that one of us will "ugly cry".