Thursday, January 30, 2014

30 Reasons to Cry

Sometimes the Rosebushes get watered with tears, mostly the kids but sometimes my own.  Today was a day for extra watering.  I don't know what the problem was today but nothing I did seemed to make the natives happy.  Here is a list of reasons we cried today.
1. Emma had to wake up at what she insists is 5:00 AM but in reality is 7:15.  Trust me kid I can relate getting up makes me want to cry.
2.  Emma had to put clothes on.
3.  Emma had to brush her hair.  Everyday she cries over this.
4. Jax had to put socks on.
5. Jax had to put a jacket on.
6.  Jax decided to rearrange the furniture in his room and I didn't like the crib placement.
7. When I picked Emma up from school I had no plans to do anything "fun".  According to my child "going home is not fun".
8. Jax had to get out of the car when we got home from picking up Emma. 
9.  Emma got a Doofenshmirtz go - gurt and Jax got Perry.  She wanted the Perry although the flavor was the same.  
10. Both kids wanted to drink out of this water bottle.   Jax said it was his (after all he did steal it fair and square from his Aunt Jane Wayne). 
11.  There were no more Doritos.
12.  The ipad battery died.
13.  Emma cried for 30 minutes because she is unable to audition for American Idol for another 10 years.  
14.  Jax cried because Emma cried.
15. Emma cried because she wrote the letter J backward and I corrected her.  
16.  Jax was not allowed to play in the dog's water. 
17.  Today was not bath night.
18.  Tomorrow is Emma's kindergarten pre-admissions testing and she was a little nervous.  If I'm being honest this one almost made me cry too because it means this kindergarten thing is really happening. 
19.  Doing hand stands is forbidden in the living room.
20.  Foot stuck in slats of dining room chair.  
21.  Standing on the kitchen counter prohibited. 
22.  I refused to watch the same Sophia the First episode for the 37,000th time.
23.  I refused to watch the same Doc McStuffins episode for the billionth time.
24.  Emma is not allowed to get a tattoo until she turns at least 18.
25.  We're still out of Doritos.
26.  There was a spider in the basement.
27.  Emma can't read on her own.
28. It was bedtime. 
29.  Teeth brushing is mandatory before bed.  
30.  We have to get up in the morning.

I'm sure this isn't an exhaustive list but it's a start.

 Reason #31 is Mommy needs for all the ridiculous crying to stop because she's going to lose her mind!

The Play Date

Raising Rosebushes is the winter is really rough.  It's so cold outside that the little Rosebushes have to stay couped up inside which drives us all crazy after awhile.   My BFF and I planned a play date today; more for our sanity than the kids but the kids enjoyed it too.  The plan was to meet at a restaurant with a play place so the kids could run off some steam.  Well you know my kids and public places so this was bound to be a spectacle from the out set.   My crazies and I arrived first and of course the first thing we had to do was visit the bathroom.   I swear Emma's goal in life is to visit every public bathroom in this hemisphere.   On the way to the restroom we happened to pass a very nice Customs and Border Patrol agent who was peacefully enjoying his lunch.  Emma saw his badge and gun on his uniform and that started the questions.   First the questions were directed at me but my answers proved to be unsatisfactory so she went directly to the source.  The poor guy was no longer going to eat in peace.  "Is that a real gun?"  "Do you have handcuffs? " "Have you used them?" "Do you chase bad guys?"  "Mom says if I'm bad you'll handcuff me.  Is that true?"  "What are you doing here?"   "Are there bad guys here?"  Luckily for me the guy was a good sport and answered all her questions with a smile.  He even helped me out and said that yes I was right and kids that don't behave do get in serious trouble. I apologized to him for the interruption and we moved on to let him finish his lunch alone.  We made it to the bathroom which is always fun because my daughter always insists on giving me a play by play of what she's doing in the stall.  Fortunately for the other girl in the bathroom this was only a pee trip. Emma made an announcement shortly after entering the stall that I shouldn't worry, it would be quick because she DID NOT have to poop.  I did hear a chuckle from the stranger in the other stall when Emma announced that she was "wiping her hootie" and would be done momentarily.  
Finally we made it out of the bathroom,  through the food line, and to a seat.  I thought we were safe.  That's when he walked in.  A man that Emma referred to as "John Deere Santa".  The man did resemble Santa a little in the fact that he had salt and pepper hair and a white beard.  He was wearing a LIMESTONE John Deere uniform (that's the same company that my dad works for), red suspenders, and a green and yellow John Deere toboggan.  Emma wanted to go speak to him but I said no.  We've already interrupted one man's lunch I thought that we had filled our quota.  You're welcome John Deere Santa.  I actually convinced her that John Deere Santa knew her Pappy and that if she or Jax misbehaved he would call Pappy and we'd all be in trouble. Surprisingly that actually worked and we finished the meal with our friends without incident.  THANK YOU JOHN DEERE SANTA!
We moved on to the play place.  My kids had a good time climbing,  sliding, running, and jumping.   It was great.  My daughter was the typical playground czar and tried to boss everyone around and no one listened.  The other kids were WILD and for once my children and my BFF 's children were the best behaved.  Honestly I think that a part of any sex education class for high school students should  include a trip to the local play place for a few hours.  No one who endures that chaos will ever want to procreate,  EVER!  Seriously it's that chaotic!
We bid our friends goodbye, visited the bathroom again complete with play by play, and headed home.  Another successful play date in the books.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Signs you're Raising Rosebushes

In the short time I have been staying at home with my kids I've come to the conclusion that they are certifiably crazy and determined to take me over the edge.  I feel like I have to say the most ridiculous things to my kids over and over again each day. Here are just a few examples of things that have come out of my mouth today.

-Please stop putting your toys in the oven.
-Jax, you cannot take off your pants in public.
-Do not stand, sit, climb on, or jump off of the coffee table.
-Play - doh is not for eating!
-Please only stick stickers on paper.   DO NOT stick them to the wall, the hardwood floor, the refrigerator,  the doors, or each other.
-Only clothes go into the washer.  DO NOT put barbies, balls, tractors or paper in there.
-Do not sit on the dog.
-Seriously Jax, keep your clothes on!
-Emma, STOP SINGING for 5 minutes please!
-Yes Emma, we will be brushing your hair today,  like we do everyday.  Yes really!
-Please DO NOT color on your face with markers.

Sometimes I wonder if other parents have kids that fight over the most ridiculous things.  Today these are a few of the fights we've had.
-Emma trapped Jax in the bathroom because "he wouldn't stop bothering her."
-Jax decided to bite Emma because she took away the ipad.
-The kids had a shoving match over who was going to put away the clean silverware from the dishwasher.
-There was a brief tug o' war over who was going to wear the blue scarf.

If you have found yourself saying any of the above phrases congratulations you may be raising Rosebushes as well.  
Last but not least if you have found yourself I'm any of the following situations you may indeed be raising Rosebushes and should seek professional help:
-You've found yourself arguing with a 5 year old about something you know is right and end up losing.
-You are driving down the road singing every word to One Direction and you look in the backseat and realize that both kids are sleeping. Hmm...Wonder how long they've been sleeping?
-You cook dinner while your son attempts to climb up you to get on the counter.
-You fall asleep on the couch at 10PM with a kid, an ipad, a laptop, and a check book in your lap.

Monday, January 27, 2014

It was a boring day...

I've said before that not all of my days are full of catastrophe or comedic genius.  Today was one of those days. We went about our normal routine complete with Monday morning dance dance party on the way to school. Seriously, everyone should make the Monday morning dance party a part of their   Monday morning commute.  It is impossible to have a bad day when you sing at the top of your lungs and dance like crazy in your car.  It also seems to really make the day of the people in the cars around you.
It's these "boring" days that make me realize how truly blessed I am to be able to share everyday with my kids. Today I cuddled a lot with my babies. We napped on the couch while watching cartoons.  I played the board game Sorry with Emma and she won. I'm fairly certain she cheated but that's okay because she was happy.  I played Jenga with a 23 month old. He lost every time mainly because he just liked to knock the blocks over and laugh. I love seeing my kids laugh.  Their laughter is the best sound in the world.
We had dinner around the table as a family.  This is a rarity for us.  Emma said the prayer before we ate. She prayed for our food, thanked God for her mommy, daddy, bubby, and dog.  The best part was before she said amen she asked God to tell Maddie "hi".  My eyes did fill with tears but I didn't dare let her see them.
I ended the day by giving Jax a bath, which he stood up and pee'd in, like he ALWAYS  does. He put himself to bed at 7:30, something he NEVER does.  I expect him to be up at 1:00AM with pee on his pajamas and wanting in my bed, but that will be okay because I love his sweet face.  I snuggled with Emma and watched some TV until she asked to go to bed. She kissed me goodnight and said "I love you mom!  You're the best mom in the world."  She drives me nuts most days but she is my world.
I'm writing about the "boring" day because it's the boring days when I can truly enjoy my children.  It's these days that my kids will remember, even though it doesn't seem like it to them right now.   It's the boring days when I am thankful for my happy, healthy kids.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Career Counseling

Fred and I talk a lot about what we really want to be when we grow up. Right now his job is less than ideal and eventually I do want to return to work.  Tonight as we ate dinner Fred and I were discussing some potential career options for him. I guess Emma wasn't pleased with any of our potential ideas so she decided to throw in some of her own.  Here is the list of job ideas she gave Fred.

-Ambulance driver
-Oil change guy
-House builder
-Disney World character
-Person who hands out t - shirts at the Make - A - Wish walk
-Taxi Driver
-Person who gives you your room key at a hotel
-Garbage man

Those are all excellent options. Some don't pay well, some I don't think Fred is exactly qualified for, and some were just down right funny.  When neither of us seemed to like any of her suggestions she came up with one last option.  This one she put a lot of thought into. She was so proud of herself for coming up with it.   This one also happens to be my personal favorite.

-The guy who "teaches" big church each week. (Church pastor).

Right about now, anyone that knows Fred is laughing at the thought of Freddie the preacher and in the back of their minds imagining what that would look and sound like. Although Fred is the son of a preacher man, I don't think the ministry is his calling.

Perhaps Emma has a future in career counseling.  If you'd like her services please let me know.

The dreaded -1

My little Rosebushes love to learn.  They learn new and exciting things everyday.  Emma is in preschool and this is the time of year that the teacher has started to get a little more hard core with the kids on their daily work pages.  I picked up Emma from school today and I grabbed her work from her cubby and we headed out into the polar vortex.  When we got home I looked at her work and went over it with her.  This is the page we started with
Do you see the little -1 and the smiley face with one O eye and one X eye?  Apparently the one O eye means you need to work on some things. It seems my know it all daughter missed one. I didn't think this was a big deal at all.  I asked her to count them again and that is when the major meltdown started.  
Emma: Hands in the air and face full of drama. "WHY? WHY? WHY? I tried so hard and I didn't get it?"
Me: "It's fine.  Nobody is perfect. "
Emma: Even louder and WAAAAYYYYY more drama. "I. Want. To.  Be. Perfect!"
Me: "Emma, really it's not a big deal you just missed one. You just need practice."
Emma: The drama level reached epic proportion and included tears. "Mommy I just want to be so smart like you and daddy.  Why can't I do this?  I counted and counted and it was still wrong!"

At this point I made a huge parenting mistake, make that a colossal parenting mistake.   I accidentally snickered and sort of chuckled a little because her ridiculous overreaction was funny.   I didn't mean to do it, I swear!  It just happened.  I really did feel for her and am so glad that she takes learning so seriously but her reaction was so over the top I couldn't help it.  

Emma: Tears flowing.  Hands on hips.  Brow furrowed.  "Oh so now it's funny that I can't count.  Now that I have an O eye you think this is hilarious.  You think I'm dumb!"
Me: "Emma I do not think you're dumb.  I know you are smart.  I know you can count. I think you're being a little dramatic about missing one question, that's all.  I'm sorry I laughed at you. "
Emma: "You need to work on not laughing at people and I need to work on counting.  I guess we both need to practice something today."

That ladies and gentlemen is how you get schooled by a little Rosebush!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Rosebushes are growing indeed.  

I'm with my kids pretty much 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  They do funny things.  They drive me absolutely nuts.  They make messes.  They are unbelievably cute most days.  The one thing that I don't always notice is the fact that they are growing up right before my eyes.  Sometimes life sends you little reminders to stop and take notice,  and since this is the Rosebush kids we're talking about those reminders are bound to be a hoot right?

This morning Jax and I were having our normal cuddle time watching our beloved Kelly and Michael when he got up off of the couch and told me he'd "be back".  He headed off down the hall with a smile.  I waited a few minutes and listened for signs of trouble, when he didn't return in a couple minutes I headed off down the hallway to find him.  I walked down the hall to notice all the doors were closed.  I looked first in his room but there was no Jax.  I tried the bathroom next.  This is what I found when I opened the door.
He had stripped naked with the exception of his socks of course.  He put the pink princess potty seat on the toilet and preceded to sit down and start unrolling the toilet paper.  When I asked what he was doing he relied joyfully "I potty!"  I suppose it might be time to consider potty training. Yes indeed, my baby boy is growing up.

Later in the evening we had to go to an open house for kindergarten at Emma's school.  Yes I said KINDERGARTEN !  How is that possible?  I know she talks like she 15, acts like she's 25, but in my head she's still that fat little baby that I brought home from the hospital.  One day I'm holding this beautiful baby and then next day were talking about how she is going to learn to read. It's hard to believe these two pictures are of the same kid.

At the end of the open house we were talking with one of the teachers after their presentation. The teacher asked Emma what she wanted to be when she grows up. My daughter replies with "Well maybe I want to be a nurse, or a singer, or a witch.  Yeah probably a witch, a witch that sings."  It should be noted that the school we are applying to is an uber conservative Christian school so the witch thing went over like a lead balloon.  Since admission decisions haven't been made I hope she didn't blow it!  I'm sure they were talking about us when we left but hey we're the Rosebushes and that's how we roll.  

Please time slow down.  I'm not ready for my Rosebushes to grow up!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

When you give your kids an iPad

Not everyday is an exciting day when you're raising Rosebushes.  Somedays you just water and feed them and nothing out of the ordinary happens...until you pick up the iPad that the kids play with all the time.  Apparently my kids are artfully skilled at taking selfies and videos.  It's really a special treat when I find them so today rather than write a bunch I just want to share a few of these gems.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Elusive Private Shower

When raising Rosebushes you're bound to get dirty and thus need to bathe at some point.  When you're a stay at home mom who has a husband that works crazy hours bathing usually occurs in the form of a shower with two children running wild in the house.  My kids know that the shower will have me in a sense immobilized for a period of time and they use the time to pull off some of their craziest antics. Some of the most notable antics include helping themselves to ice cream, drawing on things they shouldn't with markers, and if you're Jax, eating a healthy snack of crayons.
The shower in my house is a large shower stall with a big glass door so when my kids walk in, and they ALWAYS walk in, it's like I'm an animal at the zoo that they can just gawk at.  I really enjoy their shock too when they realize I am naked.  Seriously, every single time it is like they cant believe it.  Emma usually has all kinds of fun questions like: "What are you doing?" "Why are you shaving your legs, arm pits,  (and anything else that requires a shave)?" Sometimes that sweet little angel makes great observations about my body and doesn't mind telling me that things are looking a little out of shape.  I really love her for that.
Jax views the shower door a little differently.  He thinks it is a protective barrier between the two of us so he really tries to test his limits.  He usually comes in and smiles as he looks for  trouble. His favorite things include brushing his teeth with my toothbrush, unrolling the toilet paper, and flushing the toilet repeatedly.  He also likes to climb onto the toilet and try on every single perfume or lotion that is within reach; so by the time I'm done he smells a little like he's been hanging out in a brothel.  Today he had a special form of mischief in mind and he took Fred's toothbrush and did a little cleaning with it.  He cleaned the heck out of the sink, the mirror, and most importantly the floor around the toilet.  Wasn't that nice of him?  Luckily for Fred I like him today and always have spare toothbrushes on hand; so I tossed that one immediately. Today while Jax ran amok in the bathroom with me, Emma decided to put on a little dance show.  I could hear her in my bedroom singing, dancing, and playing her music way too loudly.  When I walked out of the bathroom this is what I saw.  I guess she needed a costume.  Isn't it lovely?
Needless to say there is never a dull, or private, moment in my crazy beautiful life.

Monday, January 20, 2014

The Sports Bra

When you're raising Rosebushes sometimes you have to go out to buy supplies and typically that involves the public.  Inevitably when you venture out with two kids in tow fun things are going to happen. Today I picked Emma up from school and headed to Target despite the fact that it was dangerously close to Jaxon's nap time. I only needed a few things so it would be a quick trip!  While in the store Emma asked if we could go look at leotards because she needed a new one for gymnastics.  Sure Emma, let just go look.  When we arrived in the very small leotard  section, Emma found a very pink, very sparkly, very small, sports bra and matching booty shorts.  This sports bra and tiny pair of shorts was in Emma's size so it was obviously meant for children. Emma decide that she didn't want a new leotard she wanted the hoochie gymnastics outfit.  This is the conversation that transpired:

Emma: "I want that one."
Me: "Well, that one isn't exactly appropriate for a five year old."
Emma: "Why not?"
Me: "Because you don't need to show off your belly or your butt cheeks."
Emma: "Other kids wear them.  I know cheerleaders wear them and I. AM. A. CHEERLEADER."
Me : "You're my cheerleader and you're not wearing it."

This is where the conversation takes a fun turn.  It also got louder and started to attract attention.  

Emma: "MOM!  It's fine I have a cute belly and a cute butt so what's the problem?"
Me : "Yes baby I know that all of you is cute but at five we don't need to show it off"
Emma: "Well I need a bra at least."
Me :  "Why?"
Emma: "So my boobs don't get big and floppy like yours!"  This statement was made at just a shade below a yell.  EVERYONE within a hundred yards heard it.
Me: "Uhhhh....what?'re still not getting it. You don't need a bra, period."
Emma: "FINE,  I guess my boobs will just grow floppy and I hope my belly doesn't get jiggly too."

Now I was probably a little red in the face and was definitely shaking my head. I look around to see no less than five women trying very hard not to laugh. Clearly the Rosebush spectacle at Target had made their day.  Could it get worse?  I look at Jax who was in the cart and notice that he has cleared the rack of the pink sparkly sports bras and he has every single one of them around his neck.  When I asked him what he was doing his response was to bat his eyes, smile sweetly, pat all of his newly aquired gymwear, and say "pretty boobs!"  That's when our audience couldn't hold in any longer and one lady actually laughed out loud.

I returned Jaxon's "pretty boobs" to the rack and did what every good mom does.  I politely waved to my audience,  asked if they enjoyed the show, and went on about my shopping (floppy boobs and all).