Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog but I feel like this post is something that I need to say.  I promise I will start to post again on a more regular basis.
 Yesterday was Mother's Day and in the last 3 years it's become a day that I have mixed feelings about.   Don't get me wrong I love my mom and my step mom.  They're both great and I'm so thankful for them.  My feelings about Mother's Day have more to do with my own motherhood experience.
You see I became a mother 15 years ago.  Wow,  writing that seems super unreal.  I was never prepared to be a mom.  I had no idea what to do with a baby.  I'd barely even changed diapers!  I'd never expected to leave the hospital with a baby when Maddie was born thanks to the grim prognosis of nearly every doctor I saw.  I once heard someone say that having a child is like feeling your heart beat outside your body and I think that is true.  I  knew as soon as I laid eyes on that little girl that my heart would never be the same.   Three days after she was born I was packing up a special needs newborn and leaving the hospital.   Thank God for my parents because I'm certain I wouldn't have lasted 30 minutes alone with her.  That little girl taught me more about life and unconditional love in her lifetime than I will ever be able to share and she never spoke a word.   She gave me purpose in life.  She changed me in ways I can't even put into words.  She made me a mom.
Since her birth I've been blessed with two more happy, healthy,  headstrong and beautiful children.   They are amazing and everyday with them is an adventure, but if it wasn't for their big sister I don't know if I would have been ready to love them like all children deserve to be loved.
It's hard to celebrate Mother's Day without a third of your heart.   A piece of me is forever missing and sometimes on Mother's Day that hole in my heart feels as big as the Grand Canyon.   Inevitably on Mother's Day a stranger will ask the question I hate most in the world, "How many children do you have?"  This question is so hard to answer,  if I say 2 I feel like I've forgotten about my baby girl.  If I say 3 then I have to explain where #3 is and deal with the awkward moments that follow.   So usually I just avoid that question altogether.  
On Mother's Day I received well wishes from lots of family and friends and largely ignored them.   That's not to say  I don't appreciate them.  I just feel a little sad on this day because my first born is not here.   I know that's probably sounds selfish but that's where my heart is.
I'm sure Mother's Day is difficult for many women out there, not just me.  So please if you read this stop and say a prayer for all those out there who struggle with Mother's Day.   It's just another day but it can stir so many emotions.  

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