Happy Wednesday!

I'm not sure how you kicked off your day but mine started with a psychotic screaming 4 year old that didn't want to go to school. When I asked why he didn't want to go, his response was that it was stupid.     He said he wanted me to go away so he could sleep!  He screamed like I boiled him in acid and ran around the house. I wrestled him into his shirt and shorts. He promptly removed them. I finally got his shirt back on but he refused pants, socks, and shoes. I gave up and had Fred carry the little lunatic to the car. He had to fight him into the car seat and that took about 5 minutes of blood curdling screams. I'm sure my neighbors loved us this morning!      Finally, about halfway down the street my half dressed kid calmed down and admitted defeat.   Once we got to school he was a happy guy and we could finish getting dressed!  He went into school like nothing had happened. Seriously this kid hates mornings. 

I thought, wow my day can only get better from here.  Right?  Well my work day was pretty uneventful. Which in my line of work is unusual and a welcomed change. Time passesd quickly until it was time  to pick up captain grumpy pants from school. I headed out to pick him up and my normal 5 minute drive turned into 25 minutes each way. I really don't know what they're doing on St. Andrew's Church Road but it needs to get done quickly because this detour is ridiculous!   When I picked Jax up he wanted to go to GG's house. When I informed him I had other plans the banshee returned. He screamed, cried, and yelled most of the way home. Yay!  

In a wonderful turn of events GG got home earlier than expected and invited grumpy over so he didn't have to endure another one of Emma's taekwondo classes.   This gave me some welcomed one on one time with my #1 girl. We had a dinner date to McAllister's (where kids eat free M-Th after 4pm) before heading to TKD.   As we were leaving we walked out the front door and headed to the car. Hold on, where's the car?  Oh crap, someone's stolen my car!  Emma taps me on the side just before my panic really kicks in and reminds me that we parked on the side of the building and went in the side door. Ooohh, duh, I knew that!  False alarm!  Who misplaces their car?  Apparently, this girl!  

After TKD I got to my mom's to pick up Jaxon. When I get there he is firing on all cylinders.  He's bouncing off the walls and super loud. I notice he's drinking some sort of red liquid. My mom says, in a very serious voice, "I just gave him Hawaiian Punch. There's no caffeine in that.  I don't know why he's so wired."  Ummmm because one cup of Hawaiian Punch contains about 57 cups of sugar!  Ok maybe not 57 cups, but a lot of sugar!    Oh boy this should be fun to settle down!  

We get home and the kids do their usual fighting routine until I send Emma to bed and take Jax to the bathroom to brush his teeth.   As I am brushing the 57 cups of sugar off of his teeth he attempts to tell me something. I didn't understand much of what came out of his toothpaste filled mouth but it must have been funny because he started to laugh. In his hilariousness he managed to spit toothpaste right in my eye. Have you ever had toothpaste in your eye?  Let me tell you that it BURNS!  It burns like nothing I've ever felt.   Water doesn't help, it just spreads the burning out. Eventually after water, rubbing, some tears, more rubbing and more water the burning subsides. If I'm blind in the AM we can blame the sensodyne.   

FINALLY,  I get the sugared up little monster to bed and can find a few minutes of peace. I actually have some work from today left to do BUT I'd rather share my day with you. I hope this made you smile and now I'm going to bed. Looking forward to what craziness tomorrow will bring. 

Warning:  This is partially your standard mushy, lovey dovey, over the top anniversary post. It may contain some things that you didn't know and hopefully you'll find it a little funny 

     Once upon a time I was a 19 year old college girl.  I worked,  went to class, and took care of my daughter. I really didn't need a lot of distraction in my life because my life was already complicated enough.   I had a friend named Hamit that insisted he knew a guy that would be perfect for me. He suggested that I go out with him and a group of friends one night to meet this guy. Finally after a little persuasion I caved and agreed to go.  I was the youngest of the group and the only one still under 21 at the time. Everyone wanted to go to a bar where they could drink, dance, and hang out, but since I was underage our choices were limited.  They decided the best option, was a gay club. What better place for a straight girl to meet her future husband right?    I went and met the mystery guy. We hit it off instantly. We started dating shortly after and I eventually fell in love with this guy. He was kind, caring, fun loving, and the most stubborn man I've ever encountered. I thought he'd be a worthy adversary and a fierce ally for life. Thankfully he fell in love with me too!  He not only fell in love with me he fell in love with my daughter as well.  He jumped into the role of dad without hesitation and that made me love him more.  

    Our relationship was never perfect and it had many ups and downs but eventually he asked me to marry him. I had one condition on this request:  we had to wait until I graduated from college to get married.   He agreed to this condition and I agreed to marry him. I was barely 21 at the time and he was 26.  Someone should have probably called is crazy. Some people probably did behind our backs. I mean, let's be real, you really don't know crap about yourself at 21.   

    We got married in a little country church about a month and a half after I graduated from college.  I put on a fancy white dress,  took my daddy's arm and headed up an aisle to marry this guy that I met at 19 years old, at a gay club, on a blind date.  Even saying that sounds crazy!  He was at the end of the aisle wearing a tux, smiling, and nervous. His dad was there with him waiting to walk us through our wedding vows. We smiled, repeated words, held hands, exchanged rings, were pronounced husband and wife.  We sealed our new union with a kiss. We had no idea at the time where life would take us but we were young, dumb, and blissfully in love. I don't think we really considered that all the rich/poor, sickness/health,  good/bad times things would ever actually happen.   

    Our journey definitely has had all of those things. We've fought. We've cried. We've laughed. We have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. We've traveled together to awesome places. We've made so many memories together. We've some how managed to grow into productive adults. We've experienced the birth of two amazing children and sadly endured the loss of another. We've held on to each through it all. There are days when I would like to strangle him in his sleep and I'm sure there are days when he'd like to pull out my tongue. He frustrates me more than anyone I've ever known but I can't imagine doing life without him by my side. 

   So on this day please know that I'm thankful and blessed to be his wife.  I love this crazy beautiful ride we're on and wouldn't change it for the world. Thank God for blind dates and poor choices because this one really worked out!  

Happy Anniversary my love. Here's to many more.

Have you ever had one of those days?  A day that seems like no matter how hard you try or how organized you think that you EVERYTHING goes wrong.   A day that you just need. "Do over" for. Well...today was that day. Today,  I had a colossal mommy meltdown.

Fred has been working his new job now for about a month. He likes it a lot. He feels both appreciated and challenged. This is something he has missed in last two jobs. The downside is that he now works second shift.  This was not a surprise, and it's something we discussed at length before he took the job. I just didn't anticipate how much "quality time".  I would have ALONE with my kids.  I wake up in the morning, get Jax ready for school, and drop him off.  Fred sleeps. Emma wakes up and I feed her breakfast, argue with her about iPad usage, reading time, and chores. Fred sleeps.   I attempt to do some household chores,  on most days I find time to shower, and I do all of this while working my full time job.   Fred wakes up gives me my list of things that he needs me to do and interrupts me at least 20 times while I attempt to work. At some point Emma will ask for lunch and since for some odd reason my kids never ask their father for anything she comes to me!  I will fix her something or give her permission to fix it herself. If I pick the latter then I have to take time to clean up her mess. Fred leaves for work mid afternoon and then it's all me. I have to finish my work day, pick Jax up,  probably still work some, drive to whatever activity Emma has,  keep the house from falling into squalor,  fight both kids to go to bed, and who knows what else.   I do everything single thing I need to do each day with at least one kid,  even use the bathroom. Trust me, in this house someone is always coming in the bathroom.  On most days I make it to bed about 30 minutes before Fred comes home.

I tell you all of this because today I failed at life.   Today,  nothing went right.    Today, started for me on the couch where I woke up  with a sore neck because I gave up my bed to snorey-mcsnorer and Jax the 4 year old bed hog.  I followed my usual routine and managed to get Jax ready for school except I put his shoes in the wrong feet.   The poor guy suffered like that until we got to school and I thankfully realized my mistake before taking him inside!  I came home and attempted to feed myself.   I carefully cut up some fruit, then added some vanilla Greek yogurt. I was going to eat a healthy breakfast. I took  one bite and realized the yogurt was bad. Yay for disgusting spoiled yogurt!  I was super disappointed because I cut up the last of the strawberries and bananas only to cover them in nasty yogurt. Who needs breakfast anyway?   I decided to just pour myself into work only to discover that today I failed miserably at that too!  That story is too long to tell but nothing I did or said seemed right today. Emma had a friend over today and they played so much I forgot to feed them lunch. Seriously, who forgets to feed two kids?  I made myself feel better by blaming them because they never asked for food.  They did snack so I guess that wasn't a total fail.         I went to pick up Jax at school and managed to shut my own finger in the car door.  It's only a little bruised and probably not broken.   I refrained from saying any bad words so I'm actually going to call that a win!   I planned my day so carefully. I moved calls with students and finished up things early to take Emma to taekwondo today since I can't take her tomorrow. I got her ready and rushed both kids out of the house. I somehow managed  to rip off one of my nails while getting everyone in the car. I drove like a crazy person to get there on time. I got there with 5 minutes to spare!  Then I looked at my calendar to discover that I had mixed up the Monday and Wednesday class times and her class wasn't for another hour and 10 minutes!   As I sat in the parking lot, Emma talked non stop about how goofy I had been to mix up the class times. She also decided to let Jax out of his car seat. It was like someone freed a rabid monkey and he bounced around the car like  wacko!  This is when all the stress of the day hit me.   All the balls that I constantly juggle came crashing down on my still throbbing finger.   I sucked at work today. I forgot to feed children. I mixed up the schedule.  I yelled at the kids for no reason.   As I sat in the car getting hit in the head with a flip flop from my rabid monkey I started to cry.   I was just frazzled and tired and overworked. I was spent and I had no more to give;  but it was only 5:30 and I still needed to survive until bedtime.   I closed my eyes and said a little prayer.  I really needed a little heavenly support at this point. Miraculously,  my monkey got back in his seat and strapped himself in and Emma stopped her constant criticism of my parenting today and for once was quiet.   I pulled myself together and took the kids for some food.  We had an uneventful dinner and the kids were actually well behaved.    We finished taekwondo and headed home. When we got home both kids begged to snuggle me.

No matter my shortcomings as an employee, a wife, a mom, or an adult in general; my kiddos still love me. No matter how tired and weary my day, week, month, or year have made me,  I'm still their momma and the center of their world right now. No matter how crazy they make me. The best way to end my day is with them by my side.  

Now they are finally asleep and I've spent an hour typing this blog post on my cell phone I hope that you find it encouraging and possibly entertaining. I'm going to bed now and hoping for a better day tomorrow.

  Tonight she's going on a date.  She's curled her hair and put on her best dress.  She's even decided to wear some heels.He'll open doors for her and hold her hand.  She'll dance until her little feet hurt.  If he's lucky she might even let him join.  She'll smile until her face hurts and giggle the night away with her girl friends.  She and her girlfriends will probably poke fun of their dates.  It's a big night for all the girls.
   She is the center of his whole world.  She makes his face light up.  He adores her.  He's put on his best suit for her.  His shoes are shined and his tie is straight. Tonight there is no one more important than her.  He stands on the sidelines and waits to be invited to join her group of friends.  He hopes that at the end of the night she'll tell him that this is one of the best nights of her life.  If he plays his cards right he might even get a little kiss.
     He's the love of her life right now.  There aren't any boys more important than him.  The way he treats her tonight is the how she thinks girls should be treated.  This how she will expect to be treated by a boy.  One day, another boy will catch her eye.  One day, another boy will want to take on a date. She will expect that boy to open doors, pull out chairs, and treat her like she is the center of his world. She will expect to be treated with respect and cherished as every girl deserves to be.
   She's growing up so fast and the years where her daddy is her hero are flying by.  I love these days but I know in the blink of an eye she will be off to prom, college, and then before you know it she'll be dancing at her wedding.
  But tonight,  tonight, her daddy is her date and she is his little girl.  Tonight, she felt like Cinderella and precious memory was made.

 

Sweet 16

When you have a special needs child you learn to live by a different set of milestones. When I had Maddie I knew from the get go that we wouldn't be celebrating first steps, first words, normal first days of school. You learn to live in the moment and not look too far forward because you don't know what future holds. You deal with the challenges at hand and start to expect the next challenge. I'm not saying that's the right or wrong way to be its just how you cope.  If you let yourself wonder what could have been it can be a dark place so you just don't go there. You deal with your normal.   You celebrate first laughs,  you create your own milestones, and you celebrate things like this cold didn't turn into pneumonia or you didn't gag on your medicine today. You spend life making memories in the here and now and not dreaming about the future. I guess when Maddie was here I didn't know any other way to be because I didn't have other children. Now I look at my beautiful healthy kids and I do dream about their future. I have so many hopes for what they will become in their lives.  I have experienced those milestones, first steps, first words, first day of school. I look forward, reluctantly,  to first dates, first cars, and graduations. I don't want these to come too fast but at least I know they're coming.  When I had Maddie none of those things were guaranteed,  in fact I knew that the next day of her life wasn't guaranteed.   I didn't dream about her future.  I never really wondered about who she would become one day. I simply enjoyed everyday I had her here.

This week I've been missing her a lot. Her birthday is coming up on Sunday and this one is a hard one.  Well, they're all hard without her, but this one seems harder than the usual birthday. She would be 16 this year and I can't help but think of what that would mean for her.  If she were a "normal" girl we'd plan a super sweet 16 party and would be thinking about cars and driving. I've never let myself go there and I'm not sure why I have this week. I guess maybe it's because I can't believe that I had a child 16 years ago.   Heck,  I was barely driving when I had her!    That little girl shaped my life so very much and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have been her momma.

This Sunday we're going to have our own brand of Madison celebration. We're going to go eat her favorite thing, CHEESECAKE and share memories.  Maybe we will even even spend a little time  raising some funds for Maddie's favorite charity, Make-A-Wish.   I'm going to really make an effort to be happy and enjoy the day. She wouldn't want us to be sad, who can be sad eating cheesecake anyway?

Happy Birthday beautiful girl. I'm sure your party in heaven is much cooler than any party I could plan.

Have you ever stood in the middle of a crowded place and felt completely alone?  Sometimes the memories in your head are so vivid they drown out the rest of the world. Sometimes the memories are welcomed thoughts and sometimes sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Last week I packed up my merry band of misfits and headed out on a grand adventure. We'd planned and saved for months so we could go to Disney World.  We're sort of self proclaimed Disney experts so I thought of everything, hotel, meal plan, perfectly selected magicbands,  and dining reservations painstakingly made 6 months in advance. I spent a week making lists and packing for 4. I spent hours in Pinterest looking for ideas to keep 2 kids occupied in the car for 14 hours. I was ready for the magic to begin.
We spent 14 glorious hours together (I might be exaggerating  the glorious part) on our way to the  happiest place on Earth. The kids were so excited. Emma is a Disney pro but Jax had no idea what he was getting into. I couldn't wait to see that look in your kids eyes when they experience everything Disney.  It can only be described as magical.
As soon as we saw the famous Disney World sign a flood of memories hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks. This overwhelming sadness creeped it's way into my brain. So many wonderful memories have happened at this place. This was the first time we've come back without her. This was her place. This is where she wasn't just a handicapped kid.  She was princess Madison in this place and everyone she met seemed to recognize that. You could feel her demeanor change when she was in Disney World. Her smile and laugh were contagious everyday but in this place they were electric. I never thought that visiting her place without her would be so hard.
Everything Disney was covered in her memory. Even boarding the bus at the resort reminds me of her. Standing in the regular (non-handicapped) line,  not uprooting half the bus to strap her wheelchair in, not hearing her laugh when the bus takes off.  Why was this all so emotional?  She's been gone almost 4 years. I walk through my house everyday,  the house where she took her last breath, and I don't feel this crushing sadness at home. Maybe I've just learned to pretend better at home.
Stepping off that Disney bus to our first park felt like time stopped. Walking the path to the park entrance tears welled up in my eyes. I tried not to show it. Thank God for sunglasses!  I didn't want my kids to feel my sadness. I wanted to keep out vacation happy. Every place we went, every  thing we did I felt crushed by her memory. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just felt her memory weighed very heavy on me.
I think the hardest part of whole trip was on "It's a small world."  That was her ride. We used to ride it over and over again I'm the special wheelchair boat. Typically on our trips they didn't put people in the boat with us. It was like for a moment the entire ride belonged to us and in those moments life was perfect. Boarding the regular boat with other people was a huge punch in face from reality. Some of our magic had been taken away. I let my tears fall just a little on the ride. Perhaps a little bit of healing in those tears. I laughed a little when Jax laid his head on my lap and fell asleep. His  sister never would have let that happen. She would have laughed and "talked" all the way through the ride.
The week did get easier and I did really enjoy the time with my family.  It's just like everything in life after you lose a child, you have to get used to your "new normal".  I didn't see this waive of emotion coming but I'm glad it did. I miss her so much every day. I enjoyed being in her place and  feeling her presence with us so clearly.

When your almost 7 year old is wise beyond her years..

I rarely find time to blog these days.  It turns out that raising these Rosebushes and working full time consumes most of my time.   Something happened last week that I didn't want to just tell the world in a Facebook post.  

Emma's 7th birthday is coming up quickly.   Really quickly.   I thought they were only supposed to come once a year,   there's no way it's been a year.  Right?  We originally told Emma that she wasn't going to have a big party this year with all her friends.   We are taking a trip to Disney shortly after her birthday so I didn't want the stress of getting vacation ready and planning a party.  Emma didn't seem super upset by this but she did ask very politely if maybe I'd reconsider and let her have a taekwondo party with her classmates and friends.   I don't know why I reconsidered.   Maybe it was because I felt bad she was in a new class without her BFF'S.  Maybe it's because she caught me on a good day.   Maybe it was a full moon.   Most likely it's because my kids are really really spoiled.  Whatever the reason, I caved in.   I arranged a party at our taekwondo place.   It's fairly cheap and they clean up so what did I have to lose.

Now this is where the birthday party gets interesting.   Fred and I were asking what she wanted for her birthday.  She named a few things but said she just wanted to buy a few things at Disney.   She then says that she wants to do something to help people for her birthday.   Hmmm.. like what?   She says that she has a lot of stuff and doesn't really need more.  She said she doesn't have room for more stuff.   So she asked if she could donate stuff to Make-A-Wish.   I was so moved my this.  How can this selfish little creature be thinking so unselfishly?   Where did this come from?   I wasn't sure but I did not want to discourage her.   I suggested that maybe she tell her friends to bring toys for Make-A-Wish or Kosair Children's Hospital instead of gifts for her.  I thought for sure she would scoff at the idea.   I mean what kid doesn't want presents for their birthday.   Heck, I still like presents on my birthday!   Her face lit up.   She got very excited and said that she would love to give toys to the hospital. WHAT?   Who is this kid?  She said that sometimes kids get stuck in the hospital and that's not much fun.   Since she was healthy and having a fun party she wanted other kids to smile.   She looked at me and said "Mom, I have a lot.  I do fun things all the time.   I'm going to Disney.   Some kids don't get to do that. "  I really fought the urge to cry.   How can this kid be so wise?   I agreed to let her do this if she wanted too.  I thought for sure she'd change her mind.   Fred thought she was nuts.   I just let it go.   I didn't mention it again until she asked if it was really ok to do it.   She started telling people what she had planned.   She helped me write a letter to go with her invitations so her friends knew what she wanted to do.   I looked up a list of things the hospital wants and can use and also included it with her letter.   She is so excited, giddy really.  I can't wait to take her to the hospital to drop off the stuff.   It warms my heart to see her giving so freely.  If she can sacrifice so much for an almost 7 year old what can I do?

Now before you nominate her for sainthood I want to mention that she wad very clear that her gift donation does not include the things that her parents or grandparents give her.  I mean the kid has to have some presents right?

Her party is October 10th and I hope she gets a good haul for the kids at the hospital.  Maybe she'll inspire other kids to give back too.