Saturday, February 1, 2014

     It was time to head off to the grocery store today for some supplies to raise my Rosebushes.  Since it was a weekend Fred and I went with a "divide and conquer" strategy with the kids today.   I was assigned Emma for the afternoon.   I headed off to the store with my mini-me.  It should be noted that I HATE going to the grocery more than anything.  Seriously,  I would rather visit the "lady doctor" than go to the grocery!   I'm not sure why I thought the day before Super Bowl Sunday would be a great time to take my super mouthy, extra opinionated five year old to the store, maybe because I thought it would make an amazing blog post.
     Emma has no filter, none, zero,  zip,  zilch, nada, and if you attempt to ignore her she will get louder until her comments are verbally acknowledged.  As we walked into the store we saw a lady getting her cart, the lady happened to have a belly and a poorly chosen outfit.  Emma asked me if the lady was having a baby like her friends mom.  I've seen enough baby bumps to know that the lady wasn't preggers.  I quietly shushed Emma,  but you know Em didn't take kindly to that.  She very loudly explained that the lady's belly was visible below her shirt and the only possible explanation for why anyone would be seen with her gut hanging out was pregnancy.   At that point there was only one thing I could do. I had to hang back, put as much distance between us and belly lady as possible, avoid any eye contact and spend the rest of my shopping trip dodging her.
     I don't know about all children but my child sets a personal goal for herself when we enter the store to see if she can physically touch one of every item.  I swear she gets pretty close too.   I can't stand it.  It drives me crazy!   I go in with a list and a plan but after Emma starts pulling every item off  the shelf and asking if we need it, I lose track of what I need.   I end up back tracking all over the store and the trip takes FOREVER.   It also increases the possibility that we'll run into belly lady.
     It's also not a grocery trip until Emma tells me that I'm the worst mom ever at least twice.  Today we completed that mission when I refused to buy jello and a $10 One Direction toothbrush.  I know you're probably thinking that Emma is right.  I am horrible.
     As we made our way down the cereal aisle we crossed paths with a woman who was probably my age but had bright pink hair, green lipstick, and blue eye shadow.   My daughter looks at her, looks at me,  back at her, and I knew something bad was coming.   She says to me "Hey Mom, why is she dressed like a clown?"  I could tell this woman legitimately thought this was a good look for herself.  It was not.   We high tailed it to the next aisle where Emma and I had a stern conversation about keeping our opinions about other people's appearance to ourselves.  Needless to say Emma still didn't see a problem with her question or her opinion and had a million very valid reasons why she needed to say things like that and ask questions.   When it was obvious I wasn't going to win this battle I gave up and did some speed shopping  to get out as quickly as possible.
     We made it to the check out line.  Woohoo!     We're almost finished when I hear Emma say to the lady bagging the groceries "could you please hurry up?   I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!"  I should have anticipated this because we hadn't visited the bathroom yet and heaven forbid we go to a public place and not check out their toliet.  I apologized s for Emma's rudeness and thankfully the lady just laughed her off and found her bluntness cute.
    Finally safely in the car where Emma can no longer insult anyone or embarrass me she calls my name and I turn around to see this:
How could I be mad at that?  I love my spirited little girl, even when she is embarrassing. 

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